You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
