She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
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