my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
