Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
