When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
