Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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