Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I've blown a few things in my day
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
