If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish i was in the wii world.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
