i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
