Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
