There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
