three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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