the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
