Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
