I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
