i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
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