I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
