video games are the ultimate cock blocker
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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