how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
