Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
