I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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