Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
