seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
