Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
