yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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