i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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