Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
