you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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