why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
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Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
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Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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