It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
