Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
two words: eviction party
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
