If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
