I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
