you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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