so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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