im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
