It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
