i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
