32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
