I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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