call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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