Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
