I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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