Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
