the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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