he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
