i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
