Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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