ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
