It's like God shit irony all over that family
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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