If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
