i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Randomize
