please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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