So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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