woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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