Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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