Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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