What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Randomize
