We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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