How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
