my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
