6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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