she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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