Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
