I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I look better un-naked...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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